BobBarney
Moderator
Registered: 10/19/08
Posts: 2,206
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Reply with quote | #1 |
JOKE OF THE DAY
Obamacare Top 10
Signs your company has switched health plans
Posted: August 16, 2009
6:50 pm Eastern
© 2009 WorldNetDaily Top 10 signs your company health plan has switched to Obamacare. Editor's note: Do you need something to smile about? Every day, WND selects the best joke offered up by readers and contributors to its Laughlines forum and brings it to you as the WND Joke of the Day. Here is today's offering: 10. Employees given do-it-yourself heart bypass kits. 9. Must now schedule doctor appointments through the DMV. 8. As you're wheeled in for surgery you’re greeted by Dr. Larry, Dr. Curly and Dr. Moe. 7. You're given end-of-life counseling, but you've only got a hangnail. 6. Creepy guy in the mailroom now in charge of gynecological exams. 5. Baby delivery only done in drive-through line. 4. When you ask for a raise, boss gives you Viagra. 3. Employee of the month program changed to amputee of the month. 2. When you call to make a doctor appointment, person answering phone laughs uncontrollably. (Story continues below) And the number one sign your company health plan has switched to Obamacare ... 1. Regardless of what's wrong with you, you're told to take two aspirin and call back in the morning. |
| | lynne
Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 494
| | lynne
Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 494
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Reply with quote | #3 |
Top Ten Indicators of Obama's Health Care Plan
You know you are in Obama's health care plan if:
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day..."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN IS...
(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and some Duct Tape.
Source
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Pray for Obama Psalm 109:8
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| | HappyMammaof2
Registered: 10/24/08
Posts: 824
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Reply with quote | #4 |
These are too funny!! Scary, but funny!!!!! I needed that!
__________________
God said it, I believe it, that's it.
"Some newstories may seem insignificant, until you take a look in the Bible." Irvin Baxter
"All scripture [is] given by inspiration of God, and [is] profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of God may be perfect, throughly furnished unto all good works." 2 Tim 3:16-17 |
| | EMAILEDToThePlainTruth
Moderator
Registered: 10/26/08
Posts: 121
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Reply with quote | #5 |
I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'
She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'
Her parents beamed.
'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and rake my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where a homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'
She thought that over for a few seconds; then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you just pay him the $50?'
I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'
... Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
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The Plain Truth! |
| | lynne
Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 494
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Reply with quote | #6 |
ARE YOU A DEMOCRAT, A REPUBLICAN OR A REDNECK? Here is a test that will help you decide by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife & two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP. You are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Can we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I swing the gun like a club, knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the pistol have a safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun, anyway, & what kind of message does this send to society & my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me? If I grab his knees & hold on, could my family get away while he's stabbing me? Should I call 911? Why is this street deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day making a happier, healthier street that discourages such behavior. I should debate this with friends for few days, get a consensus.. Republican's Answer: BANG! Redneck's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click!..... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click!
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points? '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!' Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!!’
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Pray for Obama Psalm 109:8
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| | HappyMammaof2
Registered: 10/24/08
Posts: 824
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Reply with quote | #7 |
Quote: Originally Posted by lynneARE YOU A DEMOCRAT, A REPUBLICAN OR A REDNECK? Here is a test that will help you decide by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife & two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP. You are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Can we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I swing the gun like a club, knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the pistol have a safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun, anyway, & what kind of message does this send to society & my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me? If I grab his knees & hold on, could my family get away while he's stabbing me? Should I call 911? Why is this street deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day making a happier, healthier street that discourages such behavior. I should debate this with friends for few days, get a consensus.. Republican's Answer: BANG! Redneck's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click!..... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click!
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points? '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!' Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!!’
By the way, I would be the redneck. 
__________________
God said it, I believe it, that's it.
"Some newstories may seem insignificant, until you take a look in the Bible." Irvin Baxter
"All scripture [is] given by inspiration of God, and [is] profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of God may be perfect, throughly furnished unto all good works." 2 Tim 3:16-17 |
| | lynne
Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 494
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Reply with quote | #8 |
Deer Camp
The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."
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Pray for Obama Psalm 109:8
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| | lynne
Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 494
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Reply with quote | #9 |
A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !' The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese. '
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful America !' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Pakistan , I am not American!'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?' She says, 'No, I am from Africa !' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?'
The lady checks her watch and says... 'Probably at work.
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Pray for Obama Psalm 109:8
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| | WS
Registered: 02/16/09
Posts: 161
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Reply with quote | #10 |
Little Johnny meets Barack Obama
Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'
One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.
I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'
'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss...and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.'
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| | WS
Registered: 02/16/09
Posts: 161
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Reply with quote | #11 |
This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in a while.
Someone out there
must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one!)
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
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| | lynne
Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 494
| | RH
Registered: 02/09/09
Posts: 39
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Reply with quote | #13 |
Divorce VS Murder -- priceless
A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked,
"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." |
| | BobBarney
Moderator
Registered: 10/19/08
Posts: 2,206
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Reply with quote | #14 |
Here's the latest from the Pentagon — the generals are worried that the White House is spreading itself thin by trying to fight a war on two fronts; Afghanistan and Fox News. Leno
The White House is calling for bailed out executives to get a 90 percent pay cut, so it’s more in line with the job they are doing. Here’s my question: “Why can’t we get this for Congress?” Leno |
| | ChrisB
Registered: 11/07/08
Posts: 334
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Reply with quote | #15 |
A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider: "One American solider is better then 10 Taliban fighters" so the Taliban angry sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 100 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 1000 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "don't send anymore men it's really a trap there is really two of them!" |
| | BobBarney
Moderator
Registered: 10/19/08
Posts: 2,206
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Reply with quote | #16 |
The Helpful wife.....
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place...
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
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| | BobBarney
Moderator
Registered: 10/19/08
Posts: 2,206
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Reply with quote | #17 |
One More...
Here are some funny newspaper headlines: Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers House passes gas tax onto senate Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan Two convicts evade noose, jury hung William Kelly was fed secretary Milk drinkers are turning to powder Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted Quarter of a million Chinese live on water Farmer bill dies in house
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| | TomKnight
Registered: 01/07/09
Posts: 124
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Reply with quote | #18 |
Now that's funny.
Quote: Originally Posted by BobBarneyThe Helpful wife.....A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place...
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk. |
| | FrankR
Registered: 11/12/08
Posts: 225
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Reply with quote | #19 |
Good mid-afternoon laughs… Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids..'
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2.. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute..'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice....
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there |
| | BobBarney
Moderator
Registered: 10/19/08
Posts: 2,206
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Reply with quote | #20 |
Tough economic news. The unemployment rate went above 10 percent for the first time since 1983. Last week economists were saying the recession is finally over, but this week all of those economists were laid off. Fallon House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters that although they lost the governorship in New Jersey and Virginia, Democrats were the real winners on election night. In a related story, scientists now say Botox can cause delusions. Leno |
| | jackie
Registered: 12/21/08
Posts: 185
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Reply with quote | #21 |
here are some more Bob:
"President Obama says that his economic plan has saved or created one million new jobs. Well, one million and two if you count the jobs he created for governors of Virginia and New Jersey." –Jay Leno
"Actually, you know, a lot of people are saying these Republican victories are a backlash against Obama's policies. What policies? Don't know what the policies are." –Jay Leno
"The White House says that President Obama did not watch the election results the other night. He watched the Chicago Bulls instead. So at least one of his teams won." –Jay Leno
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| | jackie
Registered: 12/21/08
Posts: 185
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Reply with quote | #22 |
President Obama is in China this week. Or as they now call it, the “People’s Republic of Walmart.” . . . President Obama met today with Chinese President Hu. As in, “Guess Hu’s got your money.” Leno While in China, President Obama gave a speech. He said that “being open to criticism makes democracy stronger and makes me a better leader because it forces me to hear opinions I don’t want to hear.” Then he went back to trashing Fox News. Leno During a speech at Columbia University, the founder of Microsoft, Bill Gates, said that his rival at Apple, Steve Jobs, has “done a fantastic job.” Then Gates froze up and had to be restarted. Fallon |
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